Entries from October 2009 ↓

There’s a theory going around saying that the more of Jennifer Lopez’s skin you see, the closer she is to a divorce.

It’s true. It’s why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez’s imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can’t be confirmed until we’ve seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it’s enough for now.

Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn’t wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.

Jennifer Lopez, it’s fair to say, is rubbish at keeping secrets. She tried to keep her pregnancy secret, remember, even though she spent months waddling around like a badly inflamed Weeble. And all that stuff about her still being Jenny from the block? If that’s not a cackhanded cover-up to disguise the fact that she’s a rampantly egotistical millionaire control freak then we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

The latest of Jennifer Lopez’s woefully-kept secrets, however, is the perilous state of her marriage to rat-faced Latin star Marc Anthony. If reports are true, then Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will announce their divorce on Valentine’s day, presumably because they’re both actually insane.

But that’s just a rumour. It’s not as if Jennifer Lopez has done anything to fuel the fire, is it? She hasn’t, say, turned up at an internationally-broadcast awards ceremony without her wedding ring while dressed in a frock so barely-there it may as well be a sandwich board reading ‘Are you the next Ben Affleck? Apply within’, has she?

Oh wait, now we come to think of it, that’s the exact thing that Jennifer Lopez did during Sunday’s Golden Globes. Silly us. Still, at least her dress didn’t have gold-on-gold tiger-style accents. That really would be the kiss of death to her marriage. The New York Daily News reports:

Since her 2004 marriage to Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez has gone conservative (by her standards), ditching her notoriously flashy clothes for duds with more coverage. But at the Golden Globes, good ol’ Jenny from the block was back with a vengeance. Lopez sauntered down the red carpet in an extremely low-cut, backless Marchesa gown blinged out with gold-on-gold tiger-style accents.

NOOOOOOOO! It’s over! It’s all over! Jennifer Lopez is definitely getting divorced from Marc Anthony! There’s no way around it!

But, come on, let’s all pull ourselves together. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced, but what does that mean? Well it means we’ll have to say goodbye to the Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony joint tours and the hopeless Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony movie biopics of people who nobody cares about. Somehow we think we’ll cope.

But it’s not all bad news. After she divorces Marc Anthony, the old Jennifer Lopez is bound to resurface. You know, the one who dresses like a chav at a wedding, makes endless identical romantic comedies that all seem to co-star Matthew McConaughey and releases album after album of reedy, watered-down R&B music that she assumes the kids will like even though she’s old enough to be the kids’ mother now.

OK, it is all bad news. Sorry for misleading you.

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It always looked like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made beautiful music together – well, OK, maybe not beautiful music.

Alright, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony made horrible music together. And some genuinely terrible films. But at least they looked happy, and that’s what’s important. Except that they’re probably not happy, since they’ve both been seen without their wedding rings lately, sparking rumours of an impending divorce.

Apparently it’s all because Jennifer Lopez thinks Marc Anthony is too controlling – plus Marc is furious about that time he got sucked halfway up J-Lo’s bumhole when she bent over and created a giant vacuum.

Jennifer Lopez loves marriage. You can tell because all her films are about marriage. The Wedding Planner, Monster-In-Law, harrowing domestic abuse drama Enough – hopelessly romantic pro-marriage gigglefests each and every one.

But in case you’ve decided that you’ll never watch a Jennifer Lopez movie for fear that halfway through you’ll go mad, pull out your eyes and get led from the cinema by paramedics with a delighted look on your face, you’ll still know how much Jennifer Lopez loves getting married. This is because Jennifer Lopez gets married all the bloody time.

In her time, Jennifer Lopez has been married to that man she sued because he wrote a book about her, a sort of Federline-lite named Chris Judd and, most recently, Marc Anthony. And, like many people, we assumed that Jennifer Lopez would stay with Marc Anthony forever.

This is because Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are inseparable – they make films together, they go on tour together, they have babies together – and also because, when they stand side-by-side, Marc Anthony’s weird ratty face diverts people’s attention away from Jennifer Lopez’s gigantic planet-sized buttocks. Really, they are the perfect fit.

Except they might not be. Reports are suggesting that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are on the cusp of divorce. According to Newsday:

The hullabaloo began when Us magazine posted a story online noting that Lopez attended a movie premiere without her 8-carat diamond engagement ring, her wedding band – or her husband. Anthony, meanwhile, was reportedly seen in Las Vegas a week earlier, without his wedding band. “He’s very, very controlling of her.” a close Anthony pal told Us. “The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.”

For what it’s worth, both Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony say that their marriage is fine, which could mean a) their marriage really is fine and they both just had to take their wedding rings off because of residual finger-swell stemming from the time that they were both attacked by hand-obsessed adders in their sleep or b) they’ll be divorced by Easter.

Either way, it’s terribly sad news. Terribly sad because Jennifer Lopez has a nasty habit of making films with people she’s romantically involved with and, if she divorces Marc Anthony and takes up with someone else, that all but guarantees that Jennifer Lopez will make another film. Haven’t we all suffered enough, Jennifer? Haven’t we?

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Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she’s so lovely?

Yeah, she’s not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn’t dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money.

However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they’re happy with the divorce settlement – Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn’t have a wife who looks like a pensioner’s scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.

Oh, we thought it was all over, you know. Madonna and Guy Ritchie were divorced, Madonna did some weird pneumatic vaginal thrusts at a man at a concert – thereby making him her new boyfriend according to Madonna Law – and Guy Ritchie probably shagged an actress in Chatham. Madonna gave Guy Ritchie a ridiculously large pile of money as a settlement and, bish bash bosh, everyone could get on with their lives again.

Except no. No, that’s not the case at all. Madonna wants you to ignore all the reports saying that she’d given Guy Ritchie $76 million, a gigantic country pile and a London boozer in her divorce settlement, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.

And, yes, even though news of the divorce settlement seemed to come directly from Madonna’s own henchwoman Liz Rosenberg, it still isn’t true. The new story is that Madonna is big and mean and nasty, and all she gave Guy Ritchie in the divorce was a kick in the bum and a nasty case of the herpes. Or something else entirely. Nobody’s saying for sure. However, Madonna and Guy did release this joint statement:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

So fair enough, maybe Guy Ritchie isn’t getting $76 million from Madonna in his divorce settlement after all. It doesn’t matter – what’s important is that he still gets to keep the love of his children. Or at least a generic expression of their love in the form of a three-line acknowledgment of his existence that Madonna will grudgingly pay an orderly to type out once every year.

The bad news, of course, is that a $76 million divorce settlement would have easily been enough to ensure that Guy Ritchie never had to direct another film again. And now he almost certainly will. Thanks a lot Madonna, you massive bitch.

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When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn’t about the money – definitely, definitely not.

It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn’t feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn’t divorce Madonna for the money.

Except now Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It’s so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!

Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are properly divorced, we can take off our rose-tinted glasses to inspect its carcass objectively and – you know what? – in hindsight, it’s obvious that, apart from his son Rocco, not one single decent thing was ever produced from that marriage.

It’s true. Madonna’s influence led Guy Ritchie to produce the most hamfisted movies of his career. Guy Ritchie’s influence led Madonna to start talking in the most bizarre stab at a British accent we’ve ever heard. Madonna released possibly her two worst albums ever in American Life and Hard Candy. An African kid got taken away from his father in the name of adoption.

And – worst of all – to try and cover up the cracks in their marriage, Madonna even wrote a song about having sex with Guy Ritchie. As if our lives weren’t horrible enough without the mental image of the withered corpse from the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade grinding away on Mr Potato Head’s lap to contend with.

Actually, we’re lying. There was one good thing to emerge from Guy Ritchie’s marriage to Madonna. And that’s the gigantic pile of money that Madonna’s just handed Guy Ritchie as a final divorce settlement. People reports:

Madonna has reached a divorce settlement with Guy Ritchie, according to the singer’s rep. The pop star will pay her ex between $76 million and $92 million, her spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg tells the Associated Press. Rosenberg says the figure includes the value of their country home Ashcombe, in western England, as well as the couple’s London pub, the Punchbowl.

That is a phenomenal amount of money. Guy Ritchie must be counting his lucky stars – eight years of standing slightly out of frame on red carpets with a handbag swinging from his arm while his elderly wife jiggled her genitals around in a special orthopedic leotard for the paparazzi and he gets almost $100 million? That’s incredible – even if most of that sum is in the form of property and will therefore only be worth about 50p by the middle of next week.

But Madonna is a canny businesswoman, remember that – this huge divorce settlement won’t come without any stipulations. Madonna and Guy Ritchie have yet to reach a formal agreement regarding child custody, for example, so don’t be surprised if Guy’s time with his son Rocco and adopted son David is greatly reduced now. In fact, for $100 million, don’t be surprised if Guy Ritchie’s only contact with the children is a single Christmas card each year addressed from Anonymous Father Figure B.

Still, what does Guy Ritchie care? He’s rich! Rich enough to buy his own children! Rich enough to buy 100 children and run through meadows tossing them all in the air like confetti.

Well, it’s what we’d do. Don’t judge us.

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Celebrity divorces don’t just happen to celebrities, you know – they also happen to people we’ve never heard of, like Kate Walsh.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Of course we know who Kate Walsh is. She’s, you know, that woman who recently announced that she’s getting divorced from her husband. And she… um… what’s that, Wikipedia? Kate Walsh is the star of Grey’s Anatomy spin-off Private Practice and the movie Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Part 2, a movie that actually exists? Oh.

Anyway, Kate Walsh has asked everyone to respect her privacy in the wake of her divorce. Somehow, we can’t see that being a problem.

Remember when that screaming Australian woman from Lost who nobody would ever recognise by name got married to a man and then stopped being married to him soon after? Well, this is much, much worse – Kate Walsh is getting divorced.

That’s right, Kate Walsh. Not only would we not recognise Kate Walsh by name, but we wouldn’t recognise Kate Walsh by name, by sight, by voice or by smell. OK, admittedly we would recognise Kate Walsh by smell, but that’s only because we hide under her bed and sniff her hair in her sleep. There’s nothing creepy about it.

Anyway, Kate Walsh – a woman so stunningly anonymous that she could drive a truck that she’d renamed The Kate Walsh Express down The Kate Walsh Memorial Highway right into our face while flicking her headlights on and off to spell ‘I AM KATE WALSH FROM PRIVATE PRACTICE’ in Morse code and singing a special version of Boom Boom Boom Boom! by The Vengaboys that’s been rewritten so that every word is either ‘Kate’ or ‘Walsh’ through a megaphone and we still wouldn’t know who she was – is getting divorced. That was our original point.

Apparently Kate Walsh’s husband – a man called Alex Young who ironically is 4,000 times more famous than Kate Walsh despite never starring in a single movie or medical spin-off TV show – has had enough of being married to Kate Walsh after just 15 months of marriage and has filed for a divorce. People reports:

According to court papers obtained by PEOPLE, Young, 37, petitioned for a divorce, citing irreconcilable differences in his Nov. 22 filing. “The couple remain on friendly terms and sincerely hope the media will respect their privacy during this difficult time,” the pair said in a statement Thursday.

Oh, irreconcilable differences. That old chestnut.

Of course, the term ‘irreconcilable differences’ is often used as a cover-all excuse during a divorce, sometimes hiding the fact that one partner had an affair, other times hiding the fact that the marriage has turned abusive, and occasionally hiding the fact that the husband would sometimes completely ignore his wife in a crowd, seemingly forgetting who she was or what she looked like, often spending upwards of 20 minutes craning his neck and shouting “KATE! KATE WALSH! KATE WALSH FROM PRIVATE PRACTICE!” even though his wife is literally staring him right in the face at the same time.

Maybe we’ll never know which of these they meant by ‘irreconcilable differences’.

Anyway, we’d like to send our sincerest commiserations to Alex Young and… oh, you know, whatever his wife’s name is. It’s slipped our mind. Bugger.

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Kevin Federline interviews are rare – transcribing all the hoots and grunts that form his vocabulary can take hours.

But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!

Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!

It’s fair to say that Kevin Federline got the bum deal in his divorce from Britney Spears. Yes, Britney might have been the one who had a full-on psychiatric meltdown and literally ended up being slung into a padded cell against her wishes, but that meant that Kevin Federline had to look after the children they had. And those little buggers can swear!

What’s more, by being the primary carer for Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline also found that the public’s perception of him was changing. Kevin was no longer the idle layabout with such epic delusions about his own talent that at one point he was literally writing the film of his own life, but something close to responsible parent who wants the best for his children.

And this made Kevin Federline angry. Responsible? Caring? That’s not who K-Fed is at all! So, to fight back and show the world that he’s still the same opportunistic, untrustworthy-looking cornrowed streak of yokel tosspiss that he’s always been, Kevin Federline has taken the biggest step available to him, short of re-releasing Popozao.

That’s right – Kevin Federline has decided to openly discuss the break-up of his marriage to Britney Spears for the first time on the same day that Britney’s new album is released in America. Oh, and he’s also done a photoshoot for the cover of the magazine carrying the interview co-starring the children that Britney isn’t allowed to see much of in case she has a psychiatric relapse and injures one of them. What a lovely man.

But, credit where credit’s due, in the interview Kevin Federline hasn’t simply taken the easy option and blamed Britney Spears for the break-up of their marriage. No, Kevin Federline has instead looked the situation dead in the eye and bravely and honestly pinned it all on his stupid kids. Kevin told People:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

OK, so he was blaming Britney Spears a bit as well as his kids. Sorry.

But, hey, at least we know what happened now. And maybe, now that he’s said his piece, Kevin Federline will slink away into the background again and it’ll be the last we hear from him. Apart from when Britney Spears decides to release the deluxe version of Circus in the middle of next year, because then he’ll obviously need to do another interview about how much of an unfit mother he thinks Britney is. He is only human, after all.

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You might think that Ivana Trump enjoys May to December romances, but Ivana would regard that as a hideous insult.

May To December? How offensive! Everyone knows that Ivana Trump only ever falls in love for the long term. And by that we mean April to December romances. April to December romances that must end exactly on the stroke of the first of December.

Which is to say that Ivana Trump has split up with her half-as-young-as-she-is husband after just seven months of marriage. You may react to this news however you like. We suggest shrugging.

Some women have a type of man that they go for, but not Ivana Trump. So long as you’re a man, you’re inappropriately younger than her, you have a silly name, you look a bit sleazy and your idea of restrained sophistication involves buying a golden walk-in refrigerator with an ornate cherub for a handle that plays harp concertos every time you open it, Ivana Trump is more or less guaranteed to fall completely in love with you.

Because that’s Ivana Trump’s problem – she falls in love too easily. With arseholes, mainly. Ivana fell in love with George Syrovatka for eight years, then Donald Trump for 15 years, then Riccardo Mazzucchelli for two years and, this year, she fell in love with Rossano Rubicondi. And then out of love with Rossano Rubicondi again. Quite quickly.

Seven months after Ivana Trump married Rubicondi, their marriage has come stumbling to an end. It was such a beautiful ceremony, too – held on Ivana’s ex-husband Donald’s estate, in front of Donald, with Donald’s sister acting as the minister and with a reception in the exact room that Donald had his last wedding reception in.

Bizarrely, though, it wasn’t the nagging sense that everything he ever did would always be compared to a belligerent old man with a haircut like a baboon’s buttocks being pulled apart by a wind-tunnel that drove Rossano Rubicondi away from Ivana Trump – it was a reality TV show. Fox News reports:

The 59-year-old says she actually separated from 35-year-old Rossano Rubicon three months ago, but kept it hush hush so as to not mess up his chances on the Italian version of Survivor. “Rossano wants to live in Miami and work in Milan,” Trump said. “But, I am a New Yorker and my family, friends and businesses are here. As the beautiful song says, `Que sera sera!’”

Good for Ivana Trump. With age and experience she’s learnt to roll with the punches and take any bad news – even the news of her own divorce – by remembering the lyrics of beautiful songs. Incidentally, we’d imagine that the songs I Am A Cartoonishly Garish Old Lady and Don’t Forget To Treat Your Face As If It Was A Slab Of Furniture Leather have come in handy several times throughout Ivana’s life.

But still, maybe Ivana Trump does have a type after all – stars of reality TV shows. First Donald Trump from The Apprentice and then Rossano Rubicon from Survivor? If we were Bubble from Big Brother 2, we’d be crapping it right now.

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Corey Feldman and wife Susie Sprague, 10/21/2009

Corey Feldman’s wife Susie has filed for divorce after seven years of marriage.

She is citing “irreconcilable differences” and is asking for FULL custody of their 5-year-old son as well as spousal support and attorney fees paid. Uh-oh, sounds like somebody screwed up majorly.

I can’t help but wonder why she’s decided to leave him? It is possible he has relapsed, but I doubt it. He seemed pretty strong in his sobriety. Was infidelity involved? Is it because his appearance has taken on that of Michael Jackson’s as of late? Or was it simply the legendary “seven year itch” that got her?

Stay tuned, this one might just get ugly – or they’ll be back together by the end of the week. But you can bet it is going to be one or the other. Susie seemed good for Corey, but there’s a part of me that smelled gold digger from the beginning..

[Photograph: © Josephine Santos]

Related Smacks

• Avril Lavigne Files for Divorce
• Avril Lavigne Deryck Whibley Divorce?
• Johnny Knoxville $6000 Monthly Child Support!
• Corey Feldman is Hurting
• Corey Feldman Misses Michael Jackson

ROBERT Pattinson admits his plan to diminish all the attention he gets has failed.
The hunky British actor — who shot to fame playing vampire Edward Cullen in the Twilight movie franchise — says he tried to be boring so people would lose interest in him, but it didn’t work.
“None of my strategies works particularly well. […]

 Cheryl Cole doesn’t mess around when it comes to birthday presents and fellow X Factor judge Dannii Minogue had her 38th Birthday and she was in luck when it came to fashion statement presents.

Oct 25 2009. Cheryl Cole, a judge on The X Factor signs autographs for her fans outside of The X Factor Fountain […]

Article by FJ from: FJ Girls Female Celebrity News

Cheryl Cole spends £700 on shoes for Dannii Minogue’s Birthday!