Entries from May 2014 ↓

BACK in January, we covered The Top Ten Lyrical Low Points of the 1980s.  Well, it’s time to tackle another decade – the 1970s.  While there were certainly a lot of good songs with good lyrics recorded during this period, there was a metric f**k-ton of bad ones as well.  But despite the enormity of the task, we’ve waded through it and plucked out the worst of reasonable well-known songs, and here they are…

10. “Roundabout” by Yes

In and around the lake
Mountains come out of the sky and they
STAND THERE!

 

It’s important to remember this isn’t a list of the worst songs, just the worst lyrics – and these are positively dreadful.  I know, I know – it’s “art rock”, so all is forgiven.  Perhaps I could overlook one misstep, by Yes was constantly delivering insane lyrics.  Take another example from Yes’ “The Solid Time of Change”:

A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace,
And rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace

What the – ?  I presume their word choice was based more on how it sounded rather than whether it made any real sense.  It’s still no excuse, but at least it’s not as bad as the next prog rockers singing about melons…

9. “Xanadu” by Rush

To find the sacred river Alph
To walk the caves of ice
Oh, I will dine on honeydew
And drink the milk of Paradise

 

I get it.  It’s pulled from Coleridge.  Somehow that fact doesn’t keep me from hating it.  In fact, the pretentious nature of prog rock makes me hate it more – for the love of God, it takes over five minutes of self-important noodling before you even get to the lyrics!

8. “I Am the Tiger” by ABBA

And if I meet you,
What if I eat you?
I am the tiger.

 

English wasn’t their first language, so I’ll cut them some slack.  Plus, their preternatural ability to craft a melody that could make a Ringwraith smile, gives them a get-out-of-jail-free card…almost.  Sometimes a lyric is so bad, there’s no forgiving it.

7. “I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy

But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

 

This from the woman who brought you “Angie Baby”, which contained some of the most haunting and mysterious lyrics ever written.  “I Am Woman” is no doubt an empowering song, and it came at a perfect time when Women’s Lib was in full swing.  Yet, that embryo rhyme just begs to be included on this list.

6. “Your Song” by Elton John

If was a sculptor
But then again, no.

 

A great song, but Blecch!  Bernie Taupin could get pretty creative with his wording (just listen to “Levon” for proof): however, here it’s just cringeworthy.

5. “The Joker” by Steve Miller Band

Some people call me Maurice
Cause I speak of the pompitous of love

 

Miller is notorious for giving the middle finger to grammar in favor of a nicely flavored verse.  Take for instance:

Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just exactly what the facts is.

I think it’s okay to sacrifice grammar on occasion.  After all, I’m not going to criticize Bo Diddley because “Who Do You Love?” should really be “Whom Do You Love?”  However, when you start inventing stupid words like “pompitous” because you’re high, I’ve got to call you out on it, Steve.

4. “Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman)” by Joe Tex

I told her to go on and leave me alone
I ain’t gettin’ down
You done hurt my hip once
I ain’t gonna bump no more with no big fat woman
I ain’t gonna bump no more with no big fat woman

 

Tex was actually nominated for a Grammy for this song, which is shocking until you consider that “My Humps” actually won one.

3. “I Am I Said” by Neil Diamond

“I am”… I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

 

This is actually a brilliant song; an honest testimony of feeling like a stranger in both your hometown and where you currently dwell.  Neil felt an outsider in New York, where he grew up, and LA where he made it big and set up his palatial estate.  The lyrics are heartfelt and the melody is sweeping…. but then it gets to that bit about the chair.  WTF, Neil?!?

2. “Muskrat Love” by Captain & Tennille

Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land
And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny

 

I’m not one of those rock snobs who turns his nose up at every cheesy pop song; I happen to like Captain & Tennille.  I enjoyed their variety show when it aired, and was genuinely sad to hear the recent news that their longtime relationship was at its end.

And yet, no amount of personal goodwill can polish this turd.  The two artists who recorded this song, America and C&T have both commented on how polarizing this song is to a crowd – some cheer, some boo.  You either love or loathe this cutesy saccharine mess, and I happen to fall into the latter category.

The only other song which I can think of which can compare in terms of pure unbridled cheese is “Till I Met You” from The Brady Bunch.  I nearly included it on this list, but didn’t think it qualified since it isn’t really a proper recording.

Fans of The Brady Bunch are well familiar with the many lyrical crimes committed on the show.  Let’s not forget Ex-Monkee Davy Jones’ “Girl” where he thanks the titular lady for “making my nighttime nicer”.  Then, of course, there’s the infamous “Can ya’ dig the sunshine?” from “Sunshine Day”.  But for me, the worst Brady lyric is from a song co-written by Barry Williams himself, “Till I Met You”:

Clowns never laughed before
Beanstalks never grew
Ponies never ran before
Till i met you

 

Egad, that is just wrong.  But I digress.  On to number one….

1. “MacArthur Park” by Richard Harris/Donna Summer

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

 

Long heralded as the worst lyrics of all time, this almost seems too obvious a choice.  Yet, it was so popular by so many artists… and it is so, so terribly bad, that it would be a crime not to single this out as the low water mark in the history of lyrics.

The composer, Jimmy Webb, who shall forever stand accused for unleashing this abomination upon mankind, has tried to offer an excuse: “The cake, it was an available object. It was what I saw in the park at the birthday parties. But people have very strong reactions to the song. There’s been a lot of intellectual venom.”

Au contraire, Jimmy.  There’s nothing intellectual about my venom.  It comes from my very soul, and burns with the white-hot fury of a thousand suns.

We are at the halfway mark of 2014!

Can you effing believe that????

Thankfully we have done lots this year – and we have WAY MORE to do!

And a lot of that includes fun and working on our happiness and making the most of every day, including this weekend!

What have you worked on this year? What is left to do?

We hope you achieve everything you want AND THEN SOME!

Thank you for all your support, always!

We heart you lots!

And thank you, also, to our ridiculously cool advertisers!

Please take a moment to click on their links below!

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Happy birthday to Daniel Tosh, a funny guy who lost my interest when he targeted an audience member with a desire for her to get raped. Might be okay with you, but it’s not okay with me. Here are nine other celebrities who I also can’t bring myself to like anymore, after they burned me one too many times. More »

10 Talented Celebrities Who Are Too Offensive To Like is a post from Crushable – Entertainment, Hot Guys, Movies and Celebrity News.

Here’s Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s first joint public appearance since their Australia tour this past spring. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge visited Strathearn Community Campus in Crieff, Scotland earlier today. One of their titles comes from Strathearn, so they weren’t called Duke and Duchess while in the city. Instead, they were the Earl and Countess of Strathearn. RELATED: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge head to Scotland later this month.

Senior members of the British royal family hold multiple titles. In addition to being Prince of Wales, for example, Charles is also the Duke of Cornwall, which is where his second wife, Camilla, gets her title (Duchess of Cornwall) from (out of deference to the late Princess Diana, Camilla was not given the Princess of Wales title). The different titles probably made the Strathearn visit a little more unusual for Prince William and Kate! I wonder how many titles they have?

As usual, I have to take a moment to fawn over Kate’s outfit. LOVE this red coat! This is the first day of the Cambridges’ tour of Scotland, so we’ll get to see more outfits. I’m sure she won’t put a fashion foot out of line ;).

Photos by FameFlynetUK/FAMEFLYNET

Columbus Short may not be on Scandal anymore after being fired, but he is trying to be on comedically.

Columbus was spotted recently walking outside Flapper’s in Burbank having just performed some standup.

With getting fired, and allegations of domestic abuse, and 6 violations of his parole reported by his wife, how one tries to make jokes on the matter is beyond us!

He seemed in good spirits though, as he even joked that he had gotten a snap chat telling him he was fired.

He said, paraphrasing Drake:

“I’m back at the bottom.”

Well, it seems like he’s got a long way to go then if that’s the case, doesn’t it?

Are they bored of their honeymoon, or bored of each other?! What is going on in Ireland right now?!

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were spotted making not one, but two trips to the movies in one day! Saints preserve us!

Because nothing says “we just got married” better than spending time with your newlywed spouse in complete silence for most of the day!

The couple first got their movie fix at the Odeon in Portlaoise, County Laois yesterday afternoon before heading to another cinema in Tullamore, which was around 20 miles away! And no, we will NOT convert that into metric.

Apparently, the film marathoners watched X-Men: Days Of Future Past for the first movie in their mini film festival.

Then they took the drive over to Tullamore and watched another! We hope they didn’t see Blended! It’d probably make them jealous that they didn’t go to Africa.

What are we saying? Ireland is beautiful! We just hope the two are doing enough to take in the scenery, and…well, take in each other too.

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[Image via Twitter.]

This probably was SO scary!

Luckily for Brad Pitt, the situation where he was attacked by another man on a red carpet isn’t as scary as it sounds.

While Brad was walking the red carpet in El Lay for Angelina Jolie‘s premiere of Maleficient, a man jumped a barricade at El Capitan theater and went after beautiful Brad.

It’s reported the man did make physical contact with Brad’s face before he pulled away. Some reports are saying the man tackled Brad, while other reports claim he punched him — and Brad punched back!

Whatever went down, it all led to the man being arrested by the LAPD and booked for misdemeanor battery.

So what did the man want???

Well, it sounds like he wanted to pull off a prank as the man has been identified as famed Ukranian prankster Vitalii Sediuk.

He most recently pranked America Ferrera as he put his head up her dress at Cannes. He also once tried to kiss Will Smith on a red carpet and ended up getting slapped by him.

Unfortunately, his prank didn’t get pulled off this time; in fact, it didn’t even stop Brad from signing more autographs!

Better luck next time!

[Image via Pacific Coast News.]

THAT you’re able to think up and found one of the web’s hotter properties does show that you’ve got some smarts. You’re good at doing something at least. But that’s not to say that having done that that you’re smart, as Mahbod Moghadam of Rap Genius has just proven. For he’s gone off and done something so dickheaded that he’s had to immediately resign from the company that he himself founded. He took the manifesto of the UCSB psycho shooter who killed all those people last week and loaded it up onto his own site. Fair enough, that’s what it’s for, you put a document up on Rap Genius and then people can add their annotations to it. But then he started to make his own annotations. Which were not cool, not cool at all:

Rap Genius co-founder Mahbod Moghadam has been fired from the annotation service after posting appalling comments on the memoir of mass murderer Elliot Rodger, who killed six people in a shooting spree earlier this week.

In now-removed annotations on the site on the sick 141-page manifesto, Moghadam added a tasteless series of comments, including “beautifully written” and also “MY GUESS: his sister is smokin hot.”

This just isn’t the sort of thing you’re supposed to be saying about the deluded scribblings of a recent mass murderer. And smart people know that.

So, he’s had to resign from his job at the company and also from the Board of Directors. And the way that shareholdings in venture capital financed firms work he’ll probably find himself diluted out of his stock holdings at the next funding round as well. Pretty big punishment for acting like a dick really.